Dear reader, I have been over the past several months, dealing with the ordeal that is Applying to Grad School. This endeavor has essentially swallowed up my life, which is dear reader, the reason why I have not posted anything in a long, long time. Also because I am lazy, and because I also have better things to do.
But today, I post because something happened to me today that has never happened before in my life.
I had a panic attack.
No not a fainting, hyperventilating, moment of screaming. In fact, I did not at all realize that I was having a panic attack until now, 9 hours later.
Let me back up.
Today, I am in Seattle, Washington. This is not a normal state of affairs for me to be in. I have never been in Seattle, WA before in my life. But today, the culmination of Applying to Grad School was upon me, in which I had to come to the university in order to audition for the flute performance program.
(spoiler alert: I did not have a panic attack about auditioning for grad school.)
I auditioned this morning at 10am. The audition went as well as the universe wanted it to, and I had accepted that fact from the moment I woke up. I was nervous, but NOT PANICKING. Afterwards, I was actually quite fine.
I proceeded to spend the rest of the day exploring Seattle.
Seattle is a rather large city. Okay, seriously, Seattle is BIG. One of the most rapidly growing cities in the country. And downtown Seattle showed that quite well. Every single space was packed with people, people everywhere. The views were gorgeous, and the shops were new, and numerous.
It was at 3pm that I had a panic attack.
I was in the middle of eating lunch, lots of fresh seafood (can't get that in Nebraska, so man, I was quite the happy camper.) on the boardwalk. Although my stomach was happy and I was in a very good mood, I got EXTREMELY dizzy out of nowhere. I drank more water (my 2nd glass), and put more bread in my mouth (I sometimes get dizzy from lack of sugar, yay hypoglycemia, bread tends to help that.) But no matter my efforts, I could not stop being nauseous. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My dad offered the fact that he tends to feel that way when he as a panic attack, which he tends to get in large crowds. Seeing as I was sitting in a restaurant, eating tasty food, and was not at all claustrophobic, I hadn't the slightest idea.
Looking back now, I know exactly why I was having a panic attack.
It was the very reason I thought I was happy.
Everything I saw was big. New. Unknown to me.
In less than a year, I was going to pack up my bags and move. Not necessarily to Seattle. But to somewhere much like it. A place where I know nothing and no-one. I would not be able to visit my favorite shops for comfort, sit at my favorite cafe, walk at my favorite park.
And by god, everything was SO EXPENSIVE. How could I possibly pay for living, let alone school, in ANYWHERE ELSE besides Nebraska?
All of a sudden, Seattle was not a new place to discover, it seemed like a horror story unfolding to me. And without warning, I realized that I honestly, truly love where I live and was terrified to leave.
I had never realized this before. I thought I wanted adventure! To go and never look back!
But once I was gone? All I could do was keep looking backwards lest I vomit all over my nice seafood lunch.
This will pass. At least a little. To live in one place forever would be a terribly boring life. Seattle is a beautiful city, and so is many of the other cities in which I'll be auditioning at. And someday soon, I will find myself back at one of them and calling them home.
I only hope that my version of "crossing the threshold" isn't puking on my shoes.
