The sparkling? It's gotta stop.

It's hard nowadays to walk around the mall without seeing a pre-pubescent girl wearing a shirt that exclaims in bold letters: "I LOVE VAMPIRES!" I watch them walk out of "build-a-bear", texting furiously on their new Droid that their mommy got them to go with their new purse, which no twelve year old really needs. I sigh. What happened to vampires that made them desirable for the next generation of bimbos? Twilight happened.
Now, don't get me wrong. When I was in middle school, the Twilight books were THE SHIT. All of the poor, awkward, pre-teens who preferred fantasy books and videogames over sports and spray tans read Twilight. Why? We understood Bella, she was ANYONE (she didn't have too much of a personality to make her much different from anyone else) who didn't quite fit in, and she managed to get the hottest guy in school. What's wrong with that?
Nothing. Really. It was an addictive book series. The plot was easy to follow, the writing was simpler still - but well executed. It was humorous, romantic, and we could connect to it.

But even back when reading Twilight was of the few escapes from the doldrums of middle school, I knew something was just wrong with this book.
Firstly,
Edward is a stalker. There is absolutely no way around this fact. He breaks into Bella's room, several times, and just STARES at her while she sleeps.
Does that sound romantic to you?
What if Joe Blo down the street had a crush on you and decided to do that every night while you slept?
Not so romantic anymore.

Secondly,
There has got to be something wrong with a 100 year old guy dating a 17 year old. Bella's young, stupid, and not exactly experienced. Just because Edward has been stuck in high school for a century does NOT mean he has the mindset of a teen. He most likely has the mindset of a pedophile.

Thirdly,
THEY FUCKING SPARKLE.

Stephanie Meyer managed to take one of the most feared creatures in the history of myths and made it into something akin to the fear of a butterfly.
The myth of the vampire has been around for ages. It has been found in ancient Greece, Rome, India, and many more. These blood-sucking, never aging, undead have terrified and tantalized people for centuries.
We can owe the typical popular vampire to one character: Bram Stoker's Dracula. Dracula was baddass. Seriously. The guy is merciless, seductive, and tries to take over the world - starting with London. Funny thing is - he certainly doesn't look like a 17 year old. He has white hair, pointy ears, and is quite simply - old. He does look younger though when he gets to London, but he's not nearly Twlight-esque.

He's just fucking scary.
Now take Dracula, make him ridiculously handsome, and add existential angst?
Welcome to Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles.
We feel Louis' pain as he tries to hold on to his humanity, and eventually gives up on humanity altogether. We love Lestat, even if he is incredibly selfish.
This is where the popular vampire should have stayed. Sexy, powerful, and inhuman. Killing machines who live forever, are freaking terrifying, and burn to death in the sunlight (most of the time).

Not rainbow-sparkly with babies.
See, the thing is - Vampires are awesome. But what the little twelve year olds think are vampires? Not even close.
This is my problem with Twilight. It took the vampire and destroyed it for popular culture, filling the shelves at stores with posters of emasculated skinny-boys proclaiming to be the vampires we once knew and loved. It also caused a whole new genere of teen-books to be written - the romantic vampires-without-balls.

The solution? Next Halloween, get a vampire costume, and SCARE THE CRAP out of little Twilight fans.