I'm having trouble catching my breath.
I've never written about this before, but after what I found today, I feel like I have to say something or I'll just explode.
Back in 2011, I wrote this article, talking about my relationship with my mother and the nature of tiger moms in America. Many of you found it very informative, and interesting, and I felt like after writing the piece I had gained a better understanding of my mother. Looking back, it occurred to me that I only focused on the aspects of our relationship that fell into the "Tiger Mom" category - anything that didn't fit was thrown out. It wasn't a complete evaluation of our relationship. There was this dark strange cloud that hovered in the background, that I wasn't sure how to approach. My upbringing certainly included many aspects of the Tiger Mom phenomenon - but there was more to it.
Today, by nearly complete accident, I discovered the missing half. The weird shadow. I am relieved that I am not alone. I am terrified by the implications.
After stumbling around on the internet, my boyfriend found a reddit entitled: Raised by Narcissists - which is a support group for survivors of narcissist parents. After reading a few posts, he told me that I should give it a look.
I was dumbfounded.
It was like looking back in my own diary.
"My mother says: I love you more than anyone. I care for you the most. Do you know where you'd be if I didn't care for you? You should be grateful."
"My mother says I make my food the wrong way. If I don't like something, she'll make it for me and tell me that I've always liked it that way."
"Today, I ruined Easter."
"Today, I ruined Christmas."
"Am I just overreacting?"
"I'm thinking of running away from home."
As I read the articles, a million scenarios ran through my head.
When I was 10, my mother called me a demon child, and that I couldn't possibly be her child. She had raised me better. All because I wouldn't drink cough syrup.
When I was 15, my mother told me that I was all she had in the world. She disowned me the next day because we had an argument over something trivial.
I've been disowned 12 times.
When I was 18, my mother tackled me beside 144th st. She was screaming at me in the car. I had escaped when she was stopped at a light. I thought I had gotten away, but she screeched the car into a u-turn, drove the car off the side of the road (nearly hitting me), slammed the breaks, and than tackled me on the sidewalk. Because I had forgotten a bag in the car - this was my fault.
I've ruined Christmas more times than I can count. I can't remember a Christmas with my family where I didn't end up crying for most of the days. I learned to hate the holidays since I was very young.
When I was a senior in high school, I ran away from home. I couldn't take it anymore. My mother pleaded and guilted me into coming home during the summer (She missed me. She needed me to be home. What if something happened to her while I was gone?), but I almost cut all ties back then.
When people told me that their mom was their best friend, I honestly couldn't believe it. I couldn't imagine being friends with my mom. I had an obligation to love and fulfill my mother's wishes - I wasn't her friend. I thought they were lying to make me jealous.
I had trust issues with anyone older than 25 until I hit graduate school.
My mother constantly tells me that I need designer clothes and bags to fit her image of what I need to look like to be "presentable". She throws away my old clothes when I'm not looking.
Thing is, I never thought my mom was abusive. I just thought that she was weird, controlling, and just a tiger a mom. But I was wrong. Turns out, there's a lot of people out there with parents like mine. And I didn't really understand it until I read this article:
6 Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissist
Aside from the section about siblings, every single bullet fit.
It's strange that this article came into my life at this time. Now that I live in Seattle, I'm farther away from my mother than I've ever been. She's still controlling in little ways - if she texts me and I don't respond in 30 minutes, she panics and sends a million and 1 messages asking if I'm OK. This sounds sweet, but not when she sends that to me at 4am.
I visit her less and less.
It keeps me sane.
And I feel like a terrible person for it. She's my mother. And I love her. She supports me, and she loves me.
But when a simple question of whether to park in one parking spot or the other can become a full blown screaming match - it's hard for me to want to be around her.
The last bullet on the list mentions that people who are raised by narcissists tend to have a lack of a sense of self, wants and needs. And as I near graduation, I find this more true than anything. I have been following my mother's wants and goals for my entire life. She wanted me to get all A's in school, so I did. She wanted me to get a full-ride to my undergrad, so I did. She wanted me to get my master's degree, and now I'm almost done. Without her goals to follow, I no longer understand what I want in life. I can't determine what is my own desires verses what she's told me is my own desires.
I feel lost.
But now, at least, I know that I'm not alone. I'm not some crazy person who made up this weird thing where my mother can love me, but still cause me harm. It's not just me.
It's a start.
I'll figure out where to go next, but it's gonna take time.
For now, I'll just breathe.
