Without any prior warning, I experienced a profound moment of mourning while sitting in the audience for the Seattle Symphony, listening to the Nimrod movement of Elgar's Enigma Variations.
I wanted to listen to the performance since it had been announced - the piece is both fascinating and beautiful - but (no offence to Elgar and Elgar fans) it has never been my favorite. I was expecting to go in, enjoy a lovely performance, and walk out largely feeling the same as I had when I first walked in. This is not what occurred.
In the movements prior to Nimrod, I was already marveling in the sound. Having been away from playing in an orchestral setting for over a year, my emotions were a wash of reminiscence.
The moment Nimrod started, having being played attacca from the prior movement, I knew that something was different. The symphony had dedicated the movement to the recent horrific attack in Las Vegas over the past week, and the sound as a result was heavy with grief. My breath caught in my throat as the music swelled, and although there was a small smile on my face I found myself slowly crying.
I would like to say that I was overwhelmed with emotion from heartbreak over the violence in Nevada, but while it was present in my mind, I knew that I was crying for an entirely different reason.
Since I was in middle school I knew I wanted to be a musician. By the time I was in high school, I knew I wanted to play in a symphony. I wanted to be a part of that sound. I wanted to play beautiful, legendary music.
Throughout my collegiate career, I had slowly abandoned that dream. Not with anger, and not out of spite, but because my interests had shifted. I wanted to create new music. I wanted to make sounds no one had heard before. I am lucky to say that these days, I am living that idea. I am making that idea into a career. I find joy in the music that I make. I am absolutely thrilled in the direction that my life has turned. But along the way, I had not yet said goodbye to the symphony. I had not yet grieved the loss of my dream.
So sitting in the audience, looking up at the symphony, I said my goodbyes.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
A letter, to myself. Love, me.
"Dear me, in 10 years."
You wrote one of these right?
Your middle/high school English teacher told you to write it. You'd put everything that was happening now, and everything that you hoped would happen. Then they'd make you write down your address, and they said they'd send it to you in 10 years.
I never got mine. I think it would be near impossible for my high school to know where to send it. At that point, I lived in a vastly different house, my parents have moved twice since then. I've moved across the country. Chances are, I'm never going to see it.
Here's the thing though - my high school self had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. And if I were to write a letter to myself in ten years from now, I am positive that I would get it all wrong now too.
So instead, we're going to pretend. Let's pretend that the internet stores all the information, from every possible timeline, forwards and backwards. Let's pretend that 10 years ago, when I was 14, I found this blog, and I read this. This is what I would want my 14 year old self to know.
Dear 14 Year Old Me,
Your life sucks right now. Seriously, I know. You can't really imagine it getting any worse.
And it does. Sorry. That's going to happen.
Wait don't stop reading yet! There's something amazing at the end of this letter, just read the whole thing okay? Promise? Alright.
Really though, things are about to get awful. You're gonna think about jumping off of the roof of a building. You're gonna dangle your foot over the side and that's a really dumb idea so don't do that. You don't hurt yourself, or anyone else, but it does freak out literally everyone who knows you so don't. Save yourself the long winded speeches.
Things are gonna get so freaking bad that you're gonna think that you're all alone in the dang universe. But you're gonna have the best friends you could possibly rely on. Everyone's gonna be there for you. Well, not everyone, but everyone who really counts. (The ones you'll keep in touch with! More on that later.)
Not gonna lie me, you're gonna make a lot of mistakes. I mean a ton of them. And you're gonna hurt some people - not intentionally - but you're gonna have to live with that. But you are stubborn as a mule, and you're gonna learn that despite anyone's advice you have a tendency to do whatever you feel is right regardless. Sometimes you're right. A lot of the times you aren't. But they're your mistakes. Own them. Learn from them.
You're gonna go through some shit. And it's gonna suck. But you're gonna survive. You're gonna do better than survive. You're gonna get out.
Yes.
You heard me.
You fucking escape. You get out of that hellhole. It's AWESOME.
And yes, you'll stop talking to like, 90% of the people you know in school. It's GREAT. You're gonna meet new people. People who actually get you, and not just pretend to get you, so that they can get more gossip on you to spread around to those really awful people. You'll have friends, in the plural. You won't be soul crushingly lonely anymore. Surprise! Wow, I sound lame. Yep, sorry, you continue to be pretty socially awkward and you never really quite get over that. But that's okay, because you learn to communicate like a normal human being.
You're gonna do exactly what you want to do with your life. Isn't that fucking crazy? Turns out, you don't totally suck at that thing you really enjoy doing. That's cool. And it turns into a career. It's gonna be a real struggle, but it's so worth it. I mean, literally everything in your life hasn't been easy and will continue to be a struggle so you're already used to that.
Speaking of which, you stop puking after running the mile sometime in high school! Running is still hard, but at least you become slightly more athletically competent. No more puking up your guts from a little cardio though. No, you don't get weird and sporty, don't worry about that. You do martial arts and circus stuff. All that shit in movies that you really wish you were physically able to try? You just do it because you reach a point where your body doesn't revolt anymore from exercise. Hooray!
I'm sure you're wondering the most important thing, and yes.
Yes you did.
Your hair is purple and it looks awesome. It is exactly what you hoped it would look like on your head.
So yeah, get ready me. You're gonna start jumping through hurdles like you wouldn't believe. Buckle up, and try to enjoy the ride. In the end, you'll get out. You're gonna be grateful for everyday you wake up instead of wondering why you bothered with waking up. Life is gonna be beautiful and you'll pretend to be jaded, but really you're gonna be so happy it'll be hard convincing people that you're jaded. It's that good. So hang in there. Chin up, don't let the assholes bring you down.
With much love,
Me, 24 years old.
You wrote one of these right?
Your middle/high school English teacher told you to write it. You'd put everything that was happening now, and everything that you hoped would happen. Then they'd make you write down your address, and they said they'd send it to you in 10 years.
I never got mine. I think it would be near impossible for my high school to know where to send it. At that point, I lived in a vastly different house, my parents have moved twice since then. I've moved across the country. Chances are, I'm never going to see it.
Here's the thing though - my high school self had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. And if I were to write a letter to myself in ten years from now, I am positive that I would get it all wrong now too.
So instead, we're going to pretend. Let's pretend that the internet stores all the information, from every possible timeline, forwards and backwards. Let's pretend that 10 years ago, when I was 14, I found this blog, and I read this. This is what I would want my 14 year old self to know.
Dear 14 Year Old Me,
Your life sucks right now. Seriously, I know. You can't really imagine it getting any worse.
And it does. Sorry. That's going to happen.
Wait don't stop reading yet! There's something amazing at the end of this letter, just read the whole thing okay? Promise? Alright.
Really though, things are about to get awful. You're gonna think about jumping off of the roof of a building. You're gonna dangle your foot over the side and that's a really dumb idea so don't do that. You don't hurt yourself, or anyone else, but it does freak out literally everyone who knows you so don't. Save yourself the long winded speeches.
Things are gonna get so freaking bad that you're gonna think that you're all alone in the dang universe. But you're gonna have the best friends you could possibly rely on. Everyone's gonna be there for you. Well, not everyone, but everyone who really counts. (The ones you'll keep in touch with! More on that later.)
Not gonna lie me, you're gonna make a lot of mistakes. I mean a ton of them. And you're gonna hurt some people - not intentionally - but you're gonna have to live with that. But you are stubborn as a mule, and you're gonna learn that despite anyone's advice you have a tendency to do whatever you feel is right regardless. Sometimes you're right. A lot of the times you aren't. But they're your mistakes. Own them. Learn from them.
You're gonna go through some shit. And it's gonna suck. But you're gonna survive. You're gonna do better than survive. You're gonna get out.
Yes.
You heard me.
You fucking escape. You get out of that hellhole. It's AWESOME.
And yes, you'll stop talking to like, 90% of the people you know in school. It's GREAT. You're gonna meet new people. People who actually get you, and not just pretend to get you, so that they can get more gossip on you to spread around to those really awful people. You'll have friends, in the plural. You won't be soul crushingly lonely anymore. Surprise! Wow, I sound lame. Yep, sorry, you continue to be pretty socially awkward and you never really quite get over that. But that's okay, because you learn to communicate like a normal human being.
You're gonna do exactly what you want to do with your life. Isn't that fucking crazy? Turns out, you don't totally suck at that thing you really enjoy doing. That's cool. And it turns into a career. It's gonna be a real struggle, but it's so worth it. I mean, literally everything in your life hasn't been easy and will continue to be a struggle so you're already used to that.
Speaking of which, you stop puking after running the mile sometime in high school! Running is still hard, but at least you become slightly more athletically competent. No more puking up your guts from a little cardio though. No, you don't get weird and sporty, don't worry about that. You do martial arts and circus stuff. All that shit in movies that you really wish you were physically able to try? You just do it because you reach a point where your body doesn't revolt anymore from exercise. Hooray!
I'm sure you're wondering the most important thing, and yes.
Yes you did.
Your hair is purple and it looks awesome. It is exactly what you hoped it would look like on your head.
So yeah, get ready me. You're gonna start jumping through hurdles like you wouldn't believe. Buckle up, and try to enjoy the ride. In the end, you'll get out. You're gonna be grateful for everyday you wake up instead of wondering why you bothered with waking up. Life is gonna be beautiful and you'll pretend to be jaded, but really you're gonna be so happy it'll be hard convincing people that you're jaded. It's that good. So hang in there. Chin up, don't let the assholes bring you down.
With much love,
Me, 24 years old.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Mind Pollution and Resistance
After the confirmation of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education - a new bill has been tabled not even 24 hours later.
HR 899 is one sentence. "The Department of Education (ED) shall terminate on December 31, 2018."
Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky is the one who created this bill, stating that: “Unelected bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. should not be in charge of our children’s intellectual and moral development.”
The segment about "moral development" is what worries me the most, especially after the election of creationist Betsy DeVos. Of course, if the bill passed she would be out of a job, but the result would essentially be the same. An emphasis on private schooling, or the introduction of "moral teachings" in school - and in the United States - that means bringing Christianity into the school and ignoring all other religions as if they were merely fairy tales.
When looking at arguments by politicians on why they voted for Betsy Devos, or why they're backing HR 899, I see mostly the same rhetoric. Dangerous liberal schools are "polluting" young minds. One nation under God means God should be emphasized. These teachers are dangerous for our children.
While it's not quite on the same level, I can't help but be reminded of my mother, and the way that she grew up. My mother was a young child during the Cultural Revolution in China. My mother saw first-hand when it started to become dangerous to go to school. The Red Guard came and dragged teachers out of their classrooms and beat them for "polluting young minds". Schools were shut down.
My mother was taught in the basement of a library by her grandfather, alongside other children from her neighborhood. She remembers the hushed tones - sometimes waiting in darkness and silence to make sure that the guard was not near. Her grandfather loved learning, and loved books. He saved books from burning in that basement. He taught the children regardless of the risk, because he knew they had to learn.
My mother loves learning. She ended up eventually getting her bachelor's and master's degree in education, and she instilled that love of learning in me from a young age. But she rarely talks about those days, hiding away, soaking up knowledge in a secret classroom.
Every time I see a news article about whats happening in politics, I can't help but see the connections to the past. A light goes off in my head, an alarm of warning. I wish I could say that the phone calls we do have helped, but despite the volume of phone calls to the senate creating record numbers in opposition to Betsy DeVos, I can't help but feel a little bit defeated. I can't help but feel dread. But most of all, I feel the need to resist. I just hope that if the time came, I could be as brave as my great-grandfather, but mostly I hope that we do not let that ever come to pass.
HR 899 is one sentence. "The Department of Education (ED) shall terminate on December 31, 2018."
Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky is the one who created this bill, stating that: “Unelected bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. should not be in charge of our children’s intellectual and moral development.”
The segment about "moral development" is what worries me the most, especially after the election of creationist Betsy DeVos. Of course, if the bill passed she would be out of a job, but the result would essentially be the same. An emphasis on private schooling, or the introduction of "moral teachings" in school - and in the United States - that means bringing Christianity into the school and ignoring all other religions as if they were merely fairy tales.
When looking at arguments by politicians on why they voted for Betsy Devos, or why they're backing HR 899, I see mostly the same rhetoric. Dangerous liberal schools are "polluting" young minds. One nation under God means God should be emphasized. These teachers are dangerous for our children.
While it's not quite on the same level, I can't help but be reminded of my mother, and the way that she grew up. My mother was a young child during the Cultural Revolution in China. My mother saw first-hand when it started to become dangerous to go to school. The Red Guard came and dragged teachers out of their classrooms and beat them for "polluting young minds". Schools were shut down.
My mother was taught in the basement of a library by her grandfather, alongside other children from her neighborhood. She remembers the hushed tones - sometimes waiting in darkness and silence to make sure that the guard was not near. Her grandfather loved learning, and loved books. He saved books from burning in that basement. He taught the children regardless of the risk, because he knew they had to learn.
My mother loves learning. She ended up eventually getting her bachelor's and master's degree in education, and she instilled that love of learning in me from a young age. But she rarely talks about those days, hiding away, soaking up knowledge in a secret classroom.
Every time I see a news article about whats happening in politics, I can't help but see the connections to the past. A light goes off in my head, an alarm of warning. I wish I could say that the phone calls we do have helped, but despite the volume of phone calls to the senate creating record numbers in opposition to Betsy DeVos, I can't help but feel a little bit defeated. I can't help but feel dread. But most of all, I feel the need to resist. I just hope that if the time came, I could be as brave as my great-grandfather, but mostly I hope that we do not let that ever come to pass.
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